Anonymous - 03/16/2008
An awesome miracle happened to me ... the answer to a desire I have had in my heart for 25 years.
I have been praying for my parents' salvation and for healing from the rejection from my childhood for a long, long time. It has been a defining issue in my life. But then, like the woman who had been suffering with a bleeding disease 18 years, Jesus touched me and healed me ... and my dad.
I was always so afraid he would die without The Lord and without a chance to repent for certain things in my childhood that cause me a lot of pain --anger, bitterness, rejection. I would always imagine him apologizing for everything and telling me he loved me.
My whole life I wanted so bad to earn his attention and approval. Before The Lord drew me to Himself and I was born from above in 1999, I was a "super achiever". I gravitated to things that would gain attention -- cheerleading (LOL), musical performances, popularity, partying. Then I became very ambitious -- attended an Ivy League college, had some interesting jobs; but inside I was so lonely. I never felt accepted. In truth I was frequently rejected because I was different from people, but I really just wanted love.
Well, after The Lord saved me by his grace, I started learning what the Bible said about faith about one year ago. I found some things in the Bible really shocked me. I saw verses like "Whatsoever you pray, believe you have received and you shall have them". I also saw that the only condition for Jesus to heal someone was for them to have faith.
In the past I had always prayed for things, not knowing if God's will was to answer "yes". But then after looking in the Bible I saw that certain things were clearly God's will because Jesus had died to give us these things.
The Bible also says in James 1 to ask without doubting because the double-minded will not receive from God.
If you look at the ministry of Jesus you will see He healed/delivered everyone who came to Him in faith, so we have many, many amazing promises God gives to us if we believe them.
Well, I asked God to save my dad and started confessing to other people about the good work God was going to do in my dad. I would say, "God is going to give him a new heart. I'm going to see it with my own eyes, too! "
Meanwhile, I was still seeing a lot of rejection and would really wrestle with these feelings. Finally, my husband had enough. He told me it was time to cut off the relationship with my parents. He is a good man, very gentle. He was just sick of seeing me in pain and wanted to help me. Through him The Lord put me on a cross to submit to the Word, which says for me to obey my husband. Right away sin and idolatry was revealed in my heart -- an ungodly bondage to my mom's opinion, anger, bitterness towards them.
I wrote three drafts of a letter to them that was supposed to explain why I would be temporarily cutting ties with them. You see, I just wanted to be free from the torment I felt around them because of how I was treated.
Praise God, The Lord did not allow me to send those letters because my husband kept telling me to wait a while. Every time I read through them I would notice accusation. I did not want to accuse them because they are unbelievers and The Lord tells us to not judge those who are without (grace). I know if you judge you will be judged and I did not want that. I want the measure I give (of grace) to be given back unto me.
The presence of anger showed me my heart was not pure toward my parents. I prayed for Him to cleanse me of all defilements. Jesus loved his enemies and those who persecuted them. The discomfort I felt proved that I was not loving them, but defending myself and justifying my actions.
Well, The Lord gave me strength to tell my parents what was on my chest. I should have told them years ago instead of letting the sun go down on my anger for so many years. I was sobbing and after a time the Holy Spirit got ahold of my tongue and started giving me words of life, blessing, and encouragement to my dad -- after recounting every sin he had done against me. He became very tender-hearted and for the first time ever just listened and received. He didn't attack me or walk away -- just listened.
Then, with a love and humility I have never seen before, he told me he was sorry for causing me so much pain. He said he was sorry I never felt loved and that he did love me. I felt a rush of love and tenderness for my dad. We hugged and I forgave my dad from the heart. I told him, "Dad, I love you so much. I forgive you. It's over". We were both crying.
The unforgiveness, anger, bitterness, resentment, judgment and self-righteousness fell off me. I felt so clean inside. Oh, praise God! This was the desire of my heart. I am so humbled by his mercy towards us .
I was also so shocked to realize that I had so much sin in me toward my dad. I had a log in my eye and I could not see clearly. I had been judging him, angry, slandering and gossiping about him for many, many years. Even though I had forgiven him over and over in my mouth I had never really forgiven him in my heart. When The Lord delivered me of unforgiveness, I was like, 'Wow, so that's unforgiveness'. It had been in me for so long it was like a part of my character. Praise God, He gives us a new nature by faith -- the life of Jesus as we put to death our old man (life).
I thank God for His amazing mercy in revealing and then freeing me from these sins that cause so much torment.
I should mention that my unforgiveness led to much torment. I had had an eating disorder at one point and other bondages. I feel so light now. I also confessed to my dad my years of sin toward him in my heart and thanked him for the many things he did do that showed me love. (God brought these to mind.)
Also, I called my parents later that night. They were BOTH PRAISING GOD! ! ! That was my mom's words. She said, "We are both thanking God for this miracle He did for us". I have feared them being unsaved for so long. Last night God gave me another gift -- He showed me that my parents do know Him; are weak but certainly growing in Him. I was the born-again daughter foolishly pushing religion down their throat while walking in unforgiveness and judgment. I just thank God for dealing with me more mercifully than I have been dealing with others.
The Bible says if we do not forgive The Lord will turn us over to the tormentors. I did suffer torment -- as I was struggling with writing that letter to them The Lord handed me over to a severe chastisement. I had nausea, migraines and other ailments that came on suddenly last week and lasted until a friend of mine prayed for me and rebuked that in Jesus' Name. Now I see so much came on me as the result of unforgiveness in my past, too. I attributed those things in me to my faulty childhood. Now I see it was unforgiveness and anger in me -- my own sins -- that brought judgment. Sin leads to death.
Can you imagine, for so many years rejection, pain and anger were draining life out of me? But then The Lord God of Hosts condescended to hear me and heal me, and give glory to Himself in my whole family. I was so self-righteous and judging, so unlike Jesus Who ate with sinners. I could point out every sin in them, who did not have grace to repent and walk in holiness (yet), as if salvation was man's work. For it is grace you are saved through faith, this is a gift of God so no man can boast.
I have seen with my own eyes the salvation of The Lord in my family. This is only the beginning. He is going to grow my parents; my husband and we will soon be fellowshipping together in the Word. God will be glorified in us, by His grace. I just thank Him for doing all of the work. His works were completed from before the foundation of the world.
Thank you, Father! ! ! You are so faithful. He is so awesome and powerful beyond words. I am so humbled and grateful.
May this testimony encourage you to turn to Him to heal you of the pain of your past, teach you love, grace and forgiveness, and give you the desires of your heart.
Also read Rejection Lied; Father Loves Me